Before We Judge

There are times when I look around and wonder if we have forgotten how to disagree.

Not how to argue. Not how to win. Not how to prove ourselves right. We seem to have perfected those skills. What we have forgotten is how to disagree while still recognizing the humanity of the person standing across from us. Too often, passions become so strong that they cloud our judgment. We stop listening. We stop questioning ourselves. We stop considering that perhaps someone who sees the world differently may have arrived at their conclusion honestly and thoughtfully.

One of the most interesting things about human nature is how often people with similar goals become bitter enemies. They may care about the same community, support the same causes, cherish the same values, or desire the same outcome, yet become so focused on their differences that they lose sight of their common ground. History is full of examples. Families have divided over politics. Friends have stopped speaking over disagreements. Communities have fractured over issues where nearly everyone involved ultimately wanted what they believed was best. Somewhere along the way, the desire to be right became more important than the desire to understand.

The problem with anger is that it convinces us it is improving our vision when it is actually narrowing it. Anger has a way of reducing complex situations into simple stories with heroes and villains. It whispers that our side possesses all the wisdom and the other side all the faults. It encourages us to assign motives we cannot know and intentions we have never bothered to ask about. The longer we hold onto it, the less capable we become of seeing the full picture.

That does not mean every opinion deserves agreement or that every position is equally correct. Truth still matters. Principles still matter. There are times when firm convictions are necessary. But convictions are strongest when they are paired with humility. The wisest people I have known were not those who never changed their minds. They were the ones willing to examine their assumptions, consider new information, and admit when they might have missed something.

I often think about the conversations that never happen because judgment arrives first. How many misunderstandings could be resolved if people simply asked one more question? How many relationships could be preserved if someone chose curiosity over condemnation? How many conflicts continue not because the differences are impossible to bridge, but because neither side is willing to walk the first few steps toward the other?

Grace is not weakness. It is not surrender. Grace is the recognition that every person carries experiences, fears, hopes and struggles that we may never fully understand. It is the decision to leave room for the possibility that we do not know the entire story. It is the willingness to extend the same patience to others that we hope others will extend to us.

The older I get, the more I realize that certainty is abundant while wisdom is rare. Wisdom often begins with a simple acknowledgment: I may not have all the answers. From there comes the ability to listen, to learn, and sometimes even to change.

Our communities, our nation and our relationships would all be stronger if we practiced a little more restraint before casting judgment. Before assuming the worst, ask a question. Before speaking in anger,consider another perspective. Before deciding someone is beyond understanding, remember how often you have hoped to be understood yourself.

In a world increasingly divided by outrage, perhaps one of the most radical things we can do is choose grace first.