Just be there...

If there is one thing I have learned, it is that grief is not for the light hearted. And, it is an individual thing - what is grief for one person may not necessarily be grief for another.

Although the face of grief may change with time, there is also something I believe very strongly about it - when it comes to a death - if you truly loved the one you grieve, the grieving never truly ends. Eventually, it gets easier to handle. You find your new normal. However, a part of you will always and forever miss the one you have lost.

As a parent, we don't foresee losing a child before we, ourselves, leave this earth. I mean, that is not the "natural" order of how things are supposed to be. If the stars and everything else were aligned correctly, parents would grow to a ripe old age, and our adult children, who we welcomed in to this world, would celebrate the life we had as we go out.

But, that isn't the way it always goes. The stars don't always line up, in fact some times they are downright catawampus.

I know people who have lost their children and grandchildren - some when they were still mere babies, some teens, and some when they were young adults. I felt so badly for them and wondered how they were able to deal with the pain they must be feeling. It never crossed my mind that someday, I would be finding out firsthand what it is like.

I talked to a friend recently about feelings - and how we all either address them or "fake it" the best we can. In the case of grief, there are so many thoughts going through our heads - some of which are very dark. They don't truly express what is going on in their minds, hearts and world because they are afraid - afraid of being labeled. Afraid of being looked down on. They may also be afraid of the very feelings they are having.

Friends and family don't know what to say to help. Many will ask "how are you?", or "do you need anything?". Nothing is wrong with either of those questions, but at the same time, they can be very difficult to answer. And the question is not near as important to the one grieving as the fact that they were asked in the first place.

The answers they give are what is "easiest" to say - "I'm fine"
, "I'm maintaining", "I'm taking it one day at a time", "I'm okay. But guess what? No, they are most likely not okay. They are struggling  and rightfully so. No one should have to experience or feel a loss so great. But unfortunately, it is a part of life - not a good part - but a part.

And it should not be swept under the rug or turned away from.

Mental health in this country is in crisis mode. People don't want to address it. They look at it as a failing - a weakness. When in truth, in reality - it is part of being human. We all have moments when we feel overwhelmed, stressed, and yes, maybe even that we can't go on.

Life does not stop because our lives are shattered. As we walk this path that shakes us to our very soul, the world around us continues on. We look for answers that do not come. We cry even when we just walk out a door. We may feel angry, alone, helpless - all of which are normal to feel

A friend said give yourself grace during these times. And they are right - we should all give ourselves and others grace while working through the challenges of this thing called life. And yes, death is a part of "life".

As I was driving the other day, the traffic light ahead turned red. I stopped. Before I knew it, the light had turned green - I didn't notice it at first. A car behind me started honking loudly - obviously the driver behind me didn't understand - the person holding them up was grieving and had "checked out" for a minute in deep thought. I was in a zone no one asks to be in.

A perfect example of how we should all give each other grace - even if we don't know what they are dealing with.

We should also give ourselves grace - understand that what we are faced with is a challenge no one would ask for. Yes, you are most likely feeling like you are on a cliff - one foot on the surface the other dangling precariously over the side. Yes, we may be angry at anyone or anything, including God. The answer to "why" may never come.

Yes, there are going to be times you will enter the "zone" and find yourselves barely able to function or not able to function at all. Each day will be a challenge to just get up and face the day.

Don't keep your "true emotions" bottled up inside. The people in your life who really care will understand. They won't judge you. They won't think less of you. And the rest - well, they really don't matter in the grand scheme of things.

So when someone asks "how are you doing" or "are you okay" - tell them the truth. Ask for help if you need it. The ones who really care are asking because they truly want to know and they want to help.

And if you are struggling with how to talk to someone who is grieving - just be there. Let them know you are there if they need a shoulder to cry on, vent to, etc. Let them talk about their loved one, their loss - or, talk to them about anything but that if that is what they need. Show grace. Show love. Just be there for them. And if you are the one grieving  - let them.